Hello
So, I have been praying lately about my life. Where should I be? What am I really here to do now? Now that my kids are grown, what am I here to do? And I have realized it is time for me to move, move out of this county that I have never liked, all in the thirty years I have lived here. People are too selfish, too nasty, mean, materialistic.  I really have no real friends here, all my friends are from my hometown, friends I have had my entire life.  The friends here either wanted me to train them at the gym, work out together, and the other friends just wanted someone to go out with!! Not good friends at all, where were they the few times I needed someone? Definitely not there!! I want to wake up every morning and say Thank you God for my life!! And, I am thankful for my children and my large family, but that's not enough anymore. Everyone has their own life, too busy to get together.
So, I have decided to move, far away from here, and be near a beach every single day of my life.  Since my car accident I haven't been able to work a full time job, so my work isn't keeping me here. Plus, I want to write, and I can do that anywhere.  I am not married, not even a boyfriend keeping me here. I have always had to stay due to my children finishing school.  Now they are pretty grown, and my daughter and I will go to start, to California!! Here I come.  Won't be able to go until next summer, but thats fine, there is lots to plan, lots to do.  Have to find storage for alot of my stuff, etc. etc.  So, now I am searching where in California should I be?? Then, I will fly out next year a month before I want to live there, find a place, come home, pack up and leave.  We are very excited, my daughter and I.  My son will join us after a year and attend a college there, so that's great.  It will be hard to leave him, but he will be driving soon and will never be home anyway. I wish I could afford to go now, and scope out the state, and see where I want to live.  I am not one bit scared, it's like I know it is time to go, and that is where I want to be!! To spend time on the beach all year round, and almost daily, would be a dream come true for me!! And, never to be cold, awesome!!
And being around here has too many memories of my ex and the family I no longer have since they all live here.  I would love to move back home, but don't know how happy I would be there now either.  I have nothing to loose by leaving, only to start a new adventure in my life which I am so ready for!!

October 29th

Boy oh Boy!! It's actually snowing outside, yes they all said it was going to, heard about it all day yesterday.  But did I believe it?? Absolutely not!! 
So, my son was having a Halloween Party at his Dads's so he needed me to drive him there. It was snowing badly all morning, and pretty windy.  As we left around 3:00, we did not realize there were large tree branches, all over the streets driving to our destiny.  We had to stop at Shop Rite, again. As I sat there, I realized the streets were too bad, not even a plow in sight, branches everywhere, roads detoured off, etc.  that I was going to go back home, too nasty out and unsafe to take the trip.  Especially since the electric wasn't working, I doubt the party would still happen.  When my son returned to the car, I expressed this and he was a little upset.  No problem, I could understand being upset, he did shopping, etc and was really looking forward to it.  But, it's not my fault the weather is like this, and the streets are terrible, no one even plowed or picked up random branches all over the streets.  But still, he yelled at me because I was discussing how I listen to my children too much.  True, it is, and I am so tired of it, they actually seem to have less respect for you if you ask their opinion, your suppose to be the mother anyway!!! 
We arrived home, I came inside and went upstairs, and he seemed to get over it.  But, he bought some chocolate when he ran into Shop Rite, I asked for a piece and guess what his answer was?? NO! I was appauled! Hello, where have you been my son? What have I just done for you today?? And your telling me you are not going to give me a piece?? Okay, so we know the answer to that, cut him off.  Do not do him any favors by driving him and his friends all over!!  Imagine?  How selfish?? I just got my butt in the car, in the freezing, damp cold and SNOW to take you to Shop Rite again (we went last nite, he forgot something) in this weather! And he wanted me to drive further to his Dad's!! What is wrong with children these days?? He never use to be this way, he was always kind, giving, and loving.  He would share everything with you, and now look, at sixteen years old, grown up, and he becomes selfish.  But, this is the way children behave now. It does not make it right, and it must be changed.  He needs to realize how selfish that was, do I do favors every day for him?? Yes, does he help around the home every day?? No.  Okay, I have to cut him off and not do so much until he becomes kinder, more caring and sharing.
I was always a giver, a lessen well learned from my mother, God rest her soul!! She had seven children, and always taught us to be kind, giving, and loving to each of our siblings, their wives, and children.  To never start drama, and never say bad things about one another, and to always help giving.  And boy, how my parents were right.  What else do we have in the world if we can not be kind and giving to others?? They are each a reflection of ourself, each of us needing love and support, and kindness from one another.

October 2011

Hello, its been awhile.  Life is always changing, the weather is changing, and with each season, there seems to be some type of uneasiness, within myself.  From what? The change? Of what? Purging ahead not knowing what will happen next.  Life is so different when your family is split apart, and now its all on you!! To figure it all out on your own about everything in your life now, including emotional stuff, physical stuff, making major decisions, cleaning the house, fixing the house, etc etc. It's funny when you hear spouses complain about having to do something "extra" coz the other one failed to do it, and here you are doing all the extra's yourself!! What doesn't break you makes you stronger I guess.  Not that I'm complaining, but if you have someone to depend on like your spouse, life is a little easier in some ways.  And I'm just saying you guys should be much more understanding and compassionate of us who struggle alone, in many ways.  And, does anyone ever think of saying, hey, need help with anything?? Naaaaa lol But, that's another story.  I feel we are here to help each other along the way any way we can.  I try to live that, unfortunately we all don't, even our own families!!
Life with the kids?? Let's see, wow, always so crazy!! My one daughter who lives with me did not want to go back to college, locally, had to force her there!! The other one took a semester off to see what she really wants to do.  And my son, well that's another story, another time!!
Me, well I already told you that.  I think I'm going to try to work again.  Need to have a life, and contribute as much as I can. So many choices, just have to decide, have lots of loves!! May try to share children's yoga in some nursery schools if I can.  Love that yoga, miss those kids, and would be great to get into, and yoga's good for our ailments.
I have been trying to heal my body, so hope it works!! Went to the emergency room a week ago with stomach issues!! Havent been eating as well as I should be, we all need to eat more greens, fruits, fiber, etc.  It really catches up with you!!

Hey
Well its been awhile. Here we go, ahead into Spring, into summer, the days I love!! Love the beach and relaxing, ultimately I would love to live there.  This year I am renting a new home, and a change of seasons in a new place that isn't really yours wears on my brain.  I don't like it much, and it always seems to bring me back old memories, ones of love that I am suppose to forget.  Love, ya, love, what we all want, what we're all looking for rite? Just to love and be loved, to be surrounded by loving people, family, friends,etc.  Something so simple is sometimes so hard.  This year my girls are grown, in a local college and want their own place.  That leaves me and my 16 yr old son that goes back and forth from my house to his dads.  So, that leaves me realizing what do I want? From the rest of this life?? Where do I want to live, what work can I do since I'm in so much pain daily due to my neck, but need to make some serious money.  Trying to support myself and the kids, having to pay him child support even tho I can not work and the children sleep with me more than 104 days a year (thats the magic number, if they spend more than that a year, I shouldnt have to pay child support) Knowing my kids need clothes, and he won't give them money for even that, I am so tired of having to deal with negative issues due to him.  So many constantly I don't like to even write about and bring up.
My kids have been just great, lol.  So many struggles they go through, with life, with divorce, with deciding what they want in their life.  Unfortunately, they attend a local college and did not get to experience the wonderful, independent, fun life of going away to college.  And how they need new friends, positive, mature, loving, kind friends.  Now they are both questioning even going back in the fall, both not liking it at all.  You try to tell them they need a college degree for any job out there, but you can only say and do so much.  It breaks my heart to know they should have gone away, and my ex told my one daughter that she couldn't!! Money shouldnt be an issue, the trust fund is suppose to pay for that.  If there is even any money left because my daughter tells me her dad says its gone, hes broke, etc.
I just want peace from him, if he let it go and was nice to me, he could really help heal our kids.  So, anyway, life goes on, and I question each day, whats it all about??

Hey, so Valentine's day came and went!! What do you do when your single and a mom? You hang out with your kids, make them a nice meal, and be thankful for them!! So, that's what we did.  I cooked a nice meal, lit some candles, and told them how lucky we are to have each other, and how love will come!! My two daughter's and I are single, due to the quality of men out there, and how so many of them only want one thing!! And for them, the guys are so immature, and for me, they are immature too!! But I know our thoughts are powerful, and what we put out there come, so I know to stay positive and believe there are some men out there that are amazing, and wonderful!! lol

So, how's the homefront?? Kids have been somewhat calm for the last week or two.  The last time my girls were arguing, they both explained their sides to me, and they always seem to want me to stick up for them, of course.  I try to see how they are feeling, acknowledge their feelings, and then explain to them how their sister is feeling, her side.  And then I tell them to talk it out when they are calm.  They were made at each other for a few days, but finally talked and worked it out.

And for me, I am still trying to figure out a way to go back to court and have the child support I pay him dropped due to the kids spending more nights with me and me not working due to my car accident. And what else? Oh yeah, I had a birthday on the 8th, forgot about that.  That was fun, went out to eat with my three kids, we were having a really nice time, and then out of nowhere, the kids were arguing.  Seems like so many special days end up with my kids arguing, wonder why? Maybe they saw too much of that while they were small and we were still married.  But, its ok, I don't get as upset about it like I use to, and I don't take it as serious or personal, I let it go, and it didn't affect my birthday. So be it!!

My daughter has gotten a new puppy, and boy is he alot of work!! She's amazing with him, takes him out to pee constantly, and is always with him.  I have had many dogs and cats and did not want the responsibility of another one, so she agreed to care for him and she has.  It just gets tough when they want to chew, chew, chew. He has so many toys, bones, etc. but still wants your hand, shirt, etc. He will learn, it just takes time and patience.  

Well, its already February, and boy did we have lots of snow!! And all of you married who have their husbands shovel, or pay someone are so very lucky!! So many things we take for granted.  My children and I had to shovel our way out day after day, for hours!! We weren't happy campers, but none of us complained, thank God for small miracles!! We survived, had to take many breaks, but got it done.  The snow is beautiful though, and being outside in the fresh air and in the brightness of the snow was nice.  I have alot to shovel, a sidewalk, walkway and a large deep driveway, but we parked our cars close to the street so we didn't have to shovel the entire driveway.  Being a single parent truly is not easy.  I hear others complain over nothing, it makes me realize how spoiled they are, and makes me realize how much I do alone.  A single parent does twice the work in every way, emotionally dealing with the childrens issues, physically cleaning, shoveling, garbage, etc, and all the paperwork that has to be handled.  Everything regarding the kids I do, appointments, sickness, issues in school, issues with their dad, their friends, a total support system, me, I take care of it all.  I surely am not bragging, I actually am realizing how hard it is because so many times I feel there is too much to do, too much to take care of and I feel I can't do it all!!! I am sure many of you single parents feel the same.  Yeah, it gets hard alot.  And since I am in so much pain from this accident I had, and still have to pay child support, I am always stressing about the finances.  I don't know how I get by, its truly by the grace of God, month to month.  But, I want more, financial abundance, and this is the year of manifesting what I want, the law of attraction, so I am starting to believe I am financially abundant, and already have all I need, and it will come.  
About my kids, there always is drama, my son having a problem in every class in HS.  I got in touch with the guidance counselor, and the vice principal, and have spoken to him many times.  He needs to take more pride in himself and care enough about school, which he did not.  I think I finally got through to him, and he has been putting more effort in.  But, once again, its all on me, handling everything alone.  How fun life is!!!
The girls were mad about something, and I hate when they bitch to me about each other. I don't want to get involved and cannot take sides. But I do try to explain to them how the other one is feeling. I tried to tell them to talk about it.  After a week they did and they finally worked it out.  My one daughter stays made for awhile, but once she calms down she softens up.  I am grateful they are close to me and feel they can tell me anything.
I wake up every morning wondering how I am going to do all of this myself, but then the day goes on and I get the strength to move on and figure out a way to do it all.  
Winter is tough, I never want to go out at night, just want to stay in and hibernate.  I have to file a motion again trying to get the child support I pay dropped, but hate to go back to court again without an attorney.  How the judge is allowing my ex to basically steal money from me monthly is a crime, child support is calculated a certain way, depending on income and the amount of days the children sleep at the parents home.  And it should have been dropped years ago due to my increased overnights that I have proof of, and not working due to my accident.  It gets me sick when I think of how the judges allow him to get away with this.  And he wont even pay for my kids eyeglasses, eye appointments, haircuts, doctor appointments, nothing, I have to pay when I take them.  He won't take them or pay, and that's ok with the judges.  Just great. 

Hey, so whats going on?? Just found out today my sophmore son is doing really poorly in school, like four classes he may be failing!! What's a mom to do? And he comes here on Mon, Wed, Fri, and goes to his dads on Tue and Thurs, which is crazy, and not very stable. Hard to discipline because his father wont talk to me, and we cannot discipline the same and discuss major issues like this.  I tried talking to him about it, and the answers I get are "I don't know" and finally after I told him to think about it telling him I need answers, he tells me he doesn't care!! Oh great, why doesn't he care? Doesn't he care about himself? His life? His future? He did always say he wants to go to college, and wanted to do a few things, either teach, become a therapist, or even a forensic scientist.   I do remember my daughters having a really hard time their freshman year of High School, not caring about school, not caring about their life either, due to all the problems at home with their Dad and me, and him getting custody of them.  

We did have a big problem with his Dad like a month ago.  He had a huge argument with the girls, and said some really mean things to them, I was outside waiting in the car to go out with them, they came out of the house crying pretty badly.  Johnny was not involved but in the next room listening.  They all were very shaken up by this.  Could this have anything to do with his behavior? Why don't we all realize as parents how all of our behavior affects our children? Even things we say out of anger and do not mean, they remember and do not forget.  Everything seems to affect them heavily.  I have even said some things I did not mean to my oldest daughter years ago, and it still hurts her, no matter how many times I apologize.  It's like we are all so fragile in our years growing up, and I suppose it's worse for the children who grow up in a broken home, because it really is broken to them.  Their family unit, their strength and support is gone, taken away, torn apart.  They have to go back and forth from parent to parent, trying to be loyal to each one, when the parents are bitching and complaining about the other parent.  It is so unfair to them, they should be out having fun with their friends, laughing, enjoying life while they are young. Not feeling insecure, scared, sad, depressed.  And us as parents should realize how fragile they are, and always try to respect the other parent, which is their mother or father forever!!!

Unfortunately, my ex is angry, spiteful and mad, still eight years later.  They know it, he tells them, they feel it.  It makes them really hurt and unhappy in their heart, I know it and they have told me so.  He even tells them he never wants to talk to me again. I never cheated on him, was a good, kind, loving wife.  If we could only get along for the sake of the kids, and talk about issues with the kids, wow, what a difference that would have made for them.  But, for now, my kids are still suffering big time.  They still live with the anger and see it in him.  My oldest wanted to go away to college, should have, but her dad said no, and she listened and didn't get to go.  It would have been the best for her, to get away from all of this negativity, and grow and enjoy her years at college.  She is the oldest and has always felt responsible for her sister and brother.  She tells stories how she use to take them in the other room and hide to get away from our arguing.  She is the mother at his house, does the food shopping, cleaning, drives her siblings everywhere, while her Dad is in bed sleeping.  She feels the stress, and it saddens her.  

I always pray for them, pray for them to be strong, and for God to take care of them.  I even pray for him to be healed, because he so needs it.

Hey, well the holidays come and went, happy new year to all!!! So much goes on, guess I should say it all, but sometimes thats really hard to do, put it all out there.  So, to be safe, I'll just say, my kids have had a rough time into the New Year.  Some arguing going into the New Year, they must have alot of pain in their hearts over the domestic violence they have seen, and need to work it out. I am currently looking into family therapy, they have each done individual a few years ago.  But, they still have pain, and behaviors due to growing up with a domestic violent father, and we need to work all of this out.  My one daughter is very angry at me, feels I choose her sister over her now, and can not let go of past hurts.  My oldest daughter has chosen to live with her father, and it has broken my heart.  She is definitely brainwashed by him, but there is nothing I can do but pray for her.  She doesnt believe anything I tell her about the past, he lies about things that happened, and she believes him.  She tolerates his abuse when he is angry, and feels sorry for him.  She is such a victim, he is so controlling, and a terrible influence on her, and she doesnt even know it.  
I am so tired of the fighting, the negative out there from him, constantly.  He is still always bad mouthing me to the children, cant let go that I didnt want him anymore due to his abuse. He has remarried, you think he would have let go of the anger and moved on? No, he is a really sick, unhealthy man, and I have prayed for years for his healing, and am still waiting.
I pray for my children, they really needed to go away to college to get away from his abuse, but he told them they could not.  Things are so unfair, you feel if you have a good heart, and are kind, giving, and loving, things will be ok. But, it doesnt seem to work this way.  They say all things happen for a reason and makes us stronger, but I surely get sick of hearing this. Especially when you and your children are still suffering, crying, angry, and hurt constantly, due to their parents abuse!!