So, what is it with men that they are so angry/mad and abusive? I even hear my teenage daughters talk about their girlfriends who are in abusive relationships in high School!! They allow it to happen and put up with it.  Why?? Dont we realize relationships should lift us up, make us feel good about ourselves? Especially who we are dating.  What is wrong here? What is happening to so many boys/men in our society that are abusive? Do they not know what healthy love is, don't they know what respect is? Maybe our children should have classes in High School to teach them about dealing with anger, what is acceptable and what isn't.  I even babysit sometimes and even the young boy, who is only 7 years old, is rude and disrespectful to me at times.  My children may have given me attitude, but never did they give other adults attitude and disrespect them when they were young. I am trying to figure out what is happening to our society.
My children had another incident with their father the other night, he was in a state of rage and really was mean and nasty to them. So nasty, I do not even want to say.  I was outside waiting for them in the car, and they came out of the house hysterical!! I wanted to go in the house and ask him what is wrong with him?? Get yourself some help already, grow up, deal with it!! When will he get help and realize how unhappy he is with himself?? I left him 8 years ago because of his anger, and I told him so, and it is still there, now towards everyone else. Many of us have ghosts in our closet we need to deal with and let go of.  I guess many of us hide it and dont want to deal with it, even thought that is when healing happens.  Will he have to loose his childrens love for him to realize his anger/abuse? I dont think that will happen, my children seem so loyal to him, that unconditional love thing, which is crazy.  Not everyone deserves our love, especially if they are abusive constantly. Yes, maybe our prayers for them to heal, but not our unconditional love to put ourselves back in that environment only to be abused again and again. I pray for strength and courage to us all, especially everyone in an abusive relationship, to get the strength to get out, and not accept it, and realize love is kind words of encouragement always.

So, Christmas is near, and no matter what is going on in your life, it's a good time to stop, and be grateful for what and who we have in our life.  And of course, for many parents, it is our children.  Some people are too busy rushing, making money, and not home for their children to enjoy them.  I was lucky to be a stay at home mom, and totally enjoyed those days.  So, I am stopping for a few moments each day, coming back to being grateful for life, my children and my family and friends.  I know it sounds so basic, but it really is true. And to enjoy the time we have with our children because they all do grow up, and hopefully they go out into the world and function like adults, marry and have children.  Then they will not be here, in my home like they are now.  And, my children have never been able to just live with  me day after day, being controlled by their Dad who just  wanted custody to hurt me and not pay child support!! I was pretty ill this past week with my neck/migraine pain. And yes, it is from a car accident I had, but I bet the stress of my controlling ex does not help the pain.  The injustice done in court seems to eat away at me, unconsciously, and there will come a day soon that him and everyone involved will have to own up to what they did and be responsible for it.  My children are so damaged by their Dad, but are too young to see it and admit it, and I understand.  To think your father took you away from your mother just for money is sick and disgusting!! And, for the judges to allow it is even worse.  I saw an article in the paper the other day about how great and compassionate judge martonnotti was, I wanted to vomit and write an article back explaining how unfair he treated me and my children. After seeing a court appointed parent coordinator for a year and a half who wrote many letters to judge torak explaining how the children need to be with me, want to be with me, judge martonotti blew it off, basically ignored it, and as my attorney John Urson explained, "He said since he was a new judge, and didnt know the case, he wants you and the children to see another, yes another parent coordinator!!" Who was hand picked by my ex and his attorney.  Of course this was done because Lisa Estrin was supportive of the children being with me, and my ex did not want that.  Boy, did Urson screw me, and I didnt even realize it at the time.
Anyway, my life?? Well, the girls had an argument the other night, crying both of them, tired of everything.  My one daughter pushes everything aside and barely breaks down and deals with it.  Lately, she has been letting the pain out, and it is so so sad.  How can a man fight for custody and never, ever, take them to any appointment they had?? And he never wants to be with them, never even going out to dinner and enjoying their company.  He has damaged them a great deal, and of course it truly breaks my heart.  Now, my ex bought my first daughter a used car, and of course we expected him to do the same for the second. He definitely has the money, if he didn't we would not expect it.  Well, after a year of driving, and him still not dishing out the money, we worked out a way to finance it, but still need the money to pay it off asap because due to my credit, we are getting killed on finance charges.  And he still won't budge giving her the money, and it truly breaks my daughter's heart.  There are trust funds for my three children for college, and anything extra, etc.  and the money could come out of there as well.  Of course I have no idea how to get in control of them because we both do have joint legal custody.  The children have stayed in college locally, due to his control, telling them they could not go anywhere else!! So the money that is being saved is major, and to take a small portion of it for a car is totally understandable and necessary.  How else is she suppose to get to college if she doesn't have her own car?? I see now how disappointed and hurt my children are by their Dad, knowing he doesnt really care about them.  So, how did he get custody then?? He will have to feel all the pain he caused them when he use to drag  them away from me when they were crying to stay with me, because I know what we give out comes back to us, without a doubt.  But, it doesnt even matter if he is suffering, or will suffer, what matters is the emotional health of my children which the judges, attorney's and parent coordinators did not truly care about at all.  Cynthia Johnson, a parent coordinator in Hackensack, New Jersey should not even be allowed to be involved with children and court issues.  She did not even have compassion and understanding to care about my kids, and protect them from the judges, and do what was right for them.  Like I said, she only saw my children once, and when she did, my one daughter came out of her office crying, telling me she made me feel like a fool, mom. My daughter explained. "When I told her I was more bonded with you, she asked me if I knew what the definition of bonding was, of course I do mom, she acted like I was stupid and a fool!!" And she told me that even though I wanted to be with you more, it may not be the right decision.  How would she even know when she would not see me alone, but saw my ex three times alone in therapy!! For what? So my ex could bad mouth me and tell lies about me?? I was the parent in question on being allowed to have joint custody or more parenting time, but she would never see me alone. Didnt she want to talk to me about my parenting and about my feelings toward my children? Why would she see my ex three times and not me? Oh, yeah, and did I mention she cost us $5,000 which I had to pay half of, even though I didnt have a cent because I have been out of work due to a car accident and am still paying child support.  And the appointments my ex had with her I HAD TO PAY HALF OF.  Yeah, and I ask how can they get away with unfairness, and cause my children such pain?? And, Cynthia made me and my ex together when I was trying to get custody again, just last year.  And she allowed him to verbally abuse me, and to tell me, "Your just jealous I remarried!!"  I doubt it, he remarried a women more than 25 years younger than him, a dominican girl my children are embarrassed of !!!  I wish he was happy, he would only be a better father to my children.  And when my ex was explaining how he let my children read the texts I sent him about being nasty, selfish and unhappy, Cynthia said nothing to him about not doing that do the children. I even said to Cynthia, your not even going to tell him how wrong it is to get them involved? She looked at me and said nothing. And, she is suppose to be a professional but treated me with a great deal of ruddness and disrespect, and gave me attitude!!  She doesn't deserve any respect, and should never be used in any court situation.
Anyway, whats the answer? The answer to move on and be happy?? To find an attorney that will help me is what I am going to do next.  To go back to court with an attorney, not alone, and have justice maybe served this time.  Or go to the press and tell my story which is always in the back of my mind.  I have had friends and family that have even told me to go to the news like 10 10 wins, etc.  But, I still worry about how that will affect the children.  Anyway, enough for now, we'll see what the day will bring. I know I will get through all of this happier and stronger than I ever was, and my children need me more than they will ever need him.  He barely works, lays in bed and sleeps all day, and I won't even mention the other things he does just to get by. He is definitely missing out on life more than I am, and totally missing so much precious time with the wonderful children we have. At least I have that.

So, another day of life!!
So, I didn't get my alimony check for November yet, nor December, so probation put in a warrant for his arrest. Well, I don't know how that works, considering everyone in the Sheriff's Department knows who he is, or who a family member of his is, and he will be protected by them, definitely not arrested by them! And, talking to probation the supervisor informs me it could take days because they are so busy and they have no idea how long it will take! What a system, it doesnt even really matter anyway, does it, when it's all about who  you know, and my last name is well loved and respected in the law enforcement community, and now I am on the wrong side of the fence.  So, there goes paying my rent on time, and when I tried to explain all of this to the probation supervisor, she barely cared, and was very unsympathetic, and uncompassionate.  Either she hated her job, or was not a happy person, don't know, but I do know she barely cared about what I had to say.  And when I told her a family member of his worked with the police department, I doubt they will ever try to arrest him, she didn't care, she spoke over me time and time again, barely even letting me talk.  I ask this question, if your job is to help others, and you have no compassion to help them, then why are you in a job like this? And this was the supervisor, how scary is that?  She finally mentioned I can file a motion and to have a change of venue, but when I asked about this before with someone in the court, I was told I could not.  So, who knows, but I do know it left me very upset in tears, to still have to deal with this negative stuff after seven years.  I have tried to get free legal help, with not much luck.  Looked for a womans advocate group, attorney, etc to help, no luck there either.  So much has gone wrong in my case, so much has happened that shouldn't have, and I wouldnt want this to happen to other moms, loose their kids, have to pay child support, and see their children upset as I had to see mine.  I will find a way, even if it takes exposing everyone eventually.  We all have to be responsible for our actions and own up to what we have done and how it affects others.  And what my ex has done, and what the judges and attorneys and therapists have allowed is unacceptable, and almost unforgivable.  I was going to address all of this to the press, until my ex told my children, and they told me they would never talk to me again.  They probably would I am sure, and maybe when they go away to school will be the right time.  Exposure, truth, justice, all from a corrupt court system. Sad, very sad, but I do know one thing, all we give out to others we do get back, and suffer they will all have to face, for what they put my family and I through, and who knows how many other families, and poor innocent children!!

So my daughter who is 18 gets upset last night crying how hard and sad it is for her since me and her father got divorced. It's hard because we are still fighting about child support, custody, etc. and he hates me.  I have had to move a few times in the past few years because my ex pays me a month or two late sometimes and I pay the rent late due to this. No landlord wants that and it forces me to have to move, she is tired of moving, and stresses her because of this. Oh yeah, did I mention I pay him child support, yep! How?  When I did not  work the 12 years I stayed home to raise our children.  Even though from the start the children spent more days with me than what was agreed to in court to calculate child support.  The child support I pay him should have been dropped immediately due to them spending more days with me, but every time I went to court to ask for this, along with more parenting time and/or joint custody the judge denied it. I have been back to court to have the child support dropped due to my accident and not being able to work, but the judge denied it again!! Unfortunately I have represented myself the past few times because I can not afford an attorney, which definitely does not help.
So, back to my daughter. It is so very sad to see your child upset, it totally breaks your heart.  To cry to you feeling so sad, that our divorce and the issues we have hurt the children so.  My ex wanted the children to go back and forth during the school week one day with me, the other day with him, and like I said they couldn't even sleep at my home weeknights for a few years.  She was upset about this and said how hard it was to go back and forth.  The sad thing, all the therapists and parent coordinators ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN,  not one explaining how awful and hard it was for THE CHILDREN and no one tried to change it.  Judith Grief, Morton Friedman were the two therapists who evaluated us from the start.  I want to write them all letters telling them how my children turned out, how sad and hurt they are due to this, except for my son, he doesn't seem so affected yet.  My ex still hates me, seven years later he can't get over it even though he remarried someone 27 years younger, yep, I did say 27 years!! I know it's crazy, but you think it would have helped him to stop fighting with me, hating me, and stop fighting me in court? No, seems like not, it all ends up to be money for so many people, he doesn't want to give up the $1,000 I have to pay him a month for support. AND THE JUDGES ALLOW HIM TO GET AWAY WITH THIS!! The Judges did not care how much my children cried to be with me, how much they cried when he came to pick them up at night to sleep at his house, if he loved his children enough how could he have taken them away from me at night and drag them to his home? And one night there was a major problem, 911 was called by one of my children, we went to court with Judge Torak, and he still allowed my ex to have custody of them, still not even allowing me joint custody!! What is wrong with human beings, do they not have any love and compassion for others, especially for our children, children that only wanted to be with their mother more.  And what is wrong with our Judges that only make decisions on who they know, and have so much power and control but aren't even human enough to do the right thing for young children who miss their mom?? And I was a loving, caring, responsible mother who has taken them to every doctor, dentist, orthodontist and eye doctor appointment they ever had, even when he had full residential custody. The bottom line is our families, yours, mine, everyones family and children, their safety and emotional well being. To create happy children, to create a happier place, a happier world with children that contribute to society in a loving, responsible and compassionate way. Compassion, a major word, to these judges, attorney's, even therapists that are suppose to do whats best for the children.  Are they missing compassion and love in their own life?  Are they just heartless, shallow, controlled by doing favors for people they know, or whatever,  not even having enough strength and courage to do whats right to our innocent children? God bless our children, God bless our system that is so unfair, selfish and corrupt!!

So, where do I start? With today, its a good day, Sunday.  I dont want to go backwards but sometimes we have to.  I was divorced 7 years ago, lost custody of my three children, they were allowed to see me every other day, Mon, Wed, and Fridays, every other weekend. The bad thing was, they couldnt sleep at my home when they were with me on Mondays and Wednesdays, they had to leave around 8:00, My kids were 9, 11 and 12.  But for a year before that we were separated and my ex took them 3,4 days in a row, then I had them 3,4 days.   He was always working till 8pm, and never thought this would happen.  And I was a stay at home mom who barely left the children I couldnt wait to have.  So, when they came to my home they had missed me so much they did not want to leave me.  It was terrible, sad, and devastating for all of us.  My children and I were treated very unfairly in the divorce, and it was obvious no one cared about the pain they were going through, having to leave their mom who didnt work and stayed home to raise them.  My question is how in this day and age could a Court System fail when it comes to families, and what is best for the children. Everyone likes to say they are trying to "do what is best for the children" but not in the Hackensack Courthouse which I have learned is so very corrupt.  My children and I had to see therapists and court appointed "Parent Coordinators" who you would think would do what is best for the children.  But, my children told every single therapist they had to see how much they loved their mother and wanted to be with her more, but no one cared or listened.  Their father was emotionally abusive constantly to me, all the therapists new this, but this did not seem to matter.  That is why we finally divorced, I could not handle the verbal abuse and put downs any longer after years and years of trying to deal with it.  Our parent coordinators, Cynthia Johnson and Lisa Estrin, let my children down big time.  So, if you are going thru a divorce and custody battle I would advise you to stay away from them, unless you are a man, then they are the ones you want to see.  It has taken me years to see the corruptness, which is never ending because I have gone back to court many times to rectify this, to receive at least joint custody and/or more parenting time and the only thing I received by Cynthia Johnson, was the children sleeping over Sunday nights.  Thank God when we divorced my ex did not want the children on his weekends, so they spent every weekend with me. There were so many days my children did not want to leave with their dad, crying and sobbing, and he did not care in the least, even times coming into my home to drag them out of the house.  When they left during the school week, I would cry and cry and ask God to help us out here, but it did not change things.  How could parent coordinators whos job is to BE THERE FOR THE CHILDREN, not care and help my kids and me? And how could judge after judge not care about these children missing their mom, devastated by all of this? Every time our first coordinator, Lisa Estrin suggested to the court to give me one overnight during the school week because it was too hard for them to transit from home to home at night, DYFS would show up at my door for some false reason. But, that would stall the process of me having them overnight. After going thru this for a year, Lisa Estrin after awhile did not return my calls, obviously giving up but didn't admit it, I went back to court for more overnights and joint custody. With a new attorney, John Urson and judge Martonotti, he did not see us in the court room, they went in chambers and my attorney came out telling me I had to go to another parent coordinator hand picked by my ex, Cynthia Johnson. I remember wondering why we did not go in the courtroom and why my attorney just agreed to this, definitely not doing what is best for me.  Whos side was he on? The judge would not allow what Lisa Estrin advised, to let the children sleep over my house, I wonder why. This was all very unfair and I broke down in tears, feeling like a victim, no one to turn to, no one caring about the emotional well being of my children, not even their dad.  Cynthia Johnson was nasty, had attitude and was unfair, and when my children only saw her once, and my son not at all, she would not allow them to tell her how much they wanted to be with me, she actually told them "that is not why you are here, I dont want to talk about that, I want to know how you are doing in school." Well, that was HER JOB, to LISTEN AND HEAR my children, what their needs and wants were. She never asked to see the children more than once, and never even spoke to one of them.  How could she make any decision without talking to them about their loss of not being with their mom? How could she not let them express their longing and saddness and emotional termoil of being taken away from the only parent they had raise them? After it took her an entire year of doing nothing, just her seeing me and my ex a few times, where he sat in her office and she allowed him to still insult me and verbally abuse me, she suggested they could sleep over Sunday nights. And where was my attorney thru all of this?  He ditched me, did not answer one of my calls when I explained what was going on.  What do you think happened behind chambers with my attorney and the Judge? I only wonder.  Thank God, after this my children were growing up and spoke up to their dad and told them they were going to spend school nights with me.  But that took a few years after living the way we had to.  I think this is enough for now, so I will end and start again another time.  If any one out there is going through a custody battle like I did, you are not alone.  The Hackensack Courthouse is very corrupt, as you will be able to see through my battle with trying to just get more time with my children, and joint custody and not succeeding. There needs to be a change, and I would do anything I could to help in this change, and support any woman who has to deal with such pain and saddness in their heart, because it never really does go away, and there is nothing more important in the world, then the happiness and well being of our children.