Hey
Well its been awhile. Here we go, ahead into Spring, into summer, the days I love!! Love the beach and relaxing, ultimately I would love to live there.  This year I am renting a new home, and a change of seasons in a new place that isn't really yours wears on my brain.  I don't like it much, and it always seems to bring me back old memories, ones of love that I am suppose to forget.  Love, ya, love, what we all want, what we're all looking for rite? Just to love and be loved, to be surrounded by loving people, family, friends,etc.  Something so simple is sometimes so hard.  This year my girls are grown, in a local college and want their own place.  That leaves me and my 16 yr old son that goes back and forth from my house to his dads.  So, that leaves me realizing what do I want? From the rest of this life?? Where do I want to live, what work can I do since I'm in so much pain daily due to my neck, but need to make some serious money.  Trying to support myself and the kids, having to pay him child support even tho I can not work and the children sleep with me more than 104 days a year (thats the magic number, if they spend more than that a year, I shouldnt have to pay child support) Knowing my kids need clothes, and he won't give them money for even that, I am so tired of having to deal with negative issues due to him.  So many constantly I don't like to even write about and bring up.
My kids have been just great, lol.  So many struggles they go through, with life, with divorce, with deciding what they want in their life.  Unfortunately, they attend a local college and did not get to experience the wonderful, independent, fun life of going away to college.  And how they need new friends, positive, mature, loving, kind friends.  Now they are both questioning even going back in the fall, both not liking it at all.  You try to tell them they need a college degree for any job out there, but you can only say and do so much.  It breaks my heart to know they should have gone away, and my ex told my one daughter that she couldn't!! Money shouldnt be an issue, the trust fund is suppose to pay for that.  If there is even any money left because my daughter tells me her dad says its gone, hes broke, etc.
I just want peace from him, if he let it go and was nice to me, he could really help heal our kids.  So, anyway, life goes on, and I question each day, whats it all about??